THJ 201909:19 Sep 18 2019
Times Read: 718
I had two journal entries, I lost them in my phone though, they were detailed and about my week... I am writing this one, to post.
... cycles are somewhat repetitive still, life is looking up, though... I document honestly, and I say this from time to time (that life is looking up), and following, within 2-3 years, there are some actual positive developments which have remained. That is some promising insight from myself... to whoever feels better knowing it.
Some things that have remained in the state of positive developments: spiritual advancement, a distancing from a violent family member, changes in the events in my life (from “last time” to “this time”), signs of “immortality” (and so, it isn’t like everything lost will remain lost, it is likely I will be able to get back what has been taken from me)... there is a certain appreciation for my planned journeys that I ended up missing out on, they were so beautiful anyways, who is to say they are not reserved for a heavenly realm... sometimes, I feel those dreams are sanctioned for an immortal’s eternity ... I am experiencing more vampiric advancement, and continually seeing into supernatural worlds - being able to stay in touch with others like me, or more supernatural individuals who I am close with. There is a bit more promise for the future - from 2007-2010 I made purchases for survival gear which never showed up in the mail, I never received an explanation, all of the income I had slaved for had been lost/stolen and there were no refunds... I understand material realities are considered to be evil, still, if I am directed to get involved in them then I do, which I was... now, from 2012-2019 mail finally started working, and if a refund was needed after returning merchandise, I could usually get one... basically, dying in the cold is a danger in Alaska, which is what I get that a lot of this direction to get involved was about, that, and the fact that sustenance supplies will go with that for a person off-grid, such as explorers, photographers, writers, and even people who investigate or travel for work... so, there has been that development ... and many which are similar to that one. I enjoy my personal space, moreso, unlike in other situations where I only looked forward to moving out. I don’t know about relationships. I have been a dark vampire that embraces a very specific path, for a very long time. To be in a relationship with anyone that isn’t a part of the guidance for my path, is sick, and disturbing. It isn’t as if Jesus did not save me from the very real and living terrors, though... how could I not pick such a compassionate savior to commit my life to? It is true though that the trauma of my life is beyond deep and within me there is a question which burns, defiantly and ambitiously, like a flame - “who are you really?”
And the truth is the truth, it’s unavoidable, is it not?
Can I really fight the fact that I am a vampire?
Where I am in my life is very specific.
I actually don’t want to say a lot online...
I know I need spiritual guidance as much as any human...
Well, I have been running into the nighttimer vampire at night, the same one that was nearby me in the town I just moved from. He is one person that understands me. Seeing Apollyon is another daily event for me... sometimes I catch the tracing of the shape of his cloak or arm in the house ... those are two community members I’ve known since I was about fifteen years old... interesting how the Nighttimer is still looking younger... and Apollyon is still very defined in his endeavors... as far as his age and appearance... well obviously we can’t really see past the powers which involve angels and so, I only know he seems to always be exactly the same at the time that he visits. Neither of these friendships are romantic... they are interesting though... how many people actually understand the kind that I am? Not very many... I’m aware that each existence and creation is unique... I’m just saying... I feel very separate and different from the rest of reality, and so... all of these truths about the world that reflect a society’s expectancy regarding an individual’s lifespan, with “romance” being the question from a group of people for about 10 years... is nauseating and noxious. A question is just a question, I’m saying... I am a vampire.
I think there are a few Draconians I probably forget are always near... two that I can think of. Some people hate draconians, I personally think they suffer with the reality of being draconian.. and those who suffer the most, I hope that they end up experiencing a positive change that they could not find before, such as the breakthrough in a case, or the healing that is needed.
I am thinking a lot about the repitice cycles of life, right now, and how they stress me out. I pray though, and I have been saved and experienced miracles a person wouldn’t believe... unless of course, they themselves have witnessed them ...
I want to live forever.
A person might wonder, what does that mean?
I don’t wonder very often...
I don’t have very many questions about it, I feel I know.
Extra notes:
I completed a lot of housecleaning this week, all of my laundry I finished in one day, and have managed to keep my small and newly furnished bedroom in perfect order. I did multiple loads of dishes, a lot of research, quite a bit of writing, and went on a drive twice... I witnessed one area that showed signs of trauma, and one area that I am still looking into, one haunted site I found, one ageless vampire I found, possibly 5 altogether... I communicated with one individual that I stay in touch with, and got two important purchases for Southeast AK wilderness survival off of my checklist, and thoroughly researched the gear I needed for the rest. A lot of planning has been written and drawn out, and orders have been made. I contemplated a lot of my work... how safe or dangerous it is... I can see there are consequences to the smallest of choices and so I’m careful about my methods.
Other than that, my thoughts have a lot to do with housing, as it is the first time I’ve lived in an apartment that I like as much as I do.
This new place has dark, and gothic looking hallways, suitable for a breed like myself. The wood flooring and frames are antiqued and artistically stained/polished. The paint is just right for the tones of mahogany and the aged look... and the curtains pair well with the paint on the walls. The furniture is pretty new, there is a view out accross the city among other tall buildings nearby. A few Gothic Lanterns and Candelabras, a gothic chaise or two, a chandelier, and some gothic furniture, some artwork in frames (tall pieces - not to be hung on the wall - to set behind small sculptures... ) would definitely give the interior the look of a vampire house... I don’t know how much of that I will put together this time... I am very excited to decorate, though, and so likely at least a few items will be purchased... and the current set up is definitely already semi-Gothic inside. I set up one gothic looking table in my bedroom, the blankets are plush, and they are tones that go good together, light blues and charcoal, silvery greys, they give a certain look to the room... especially with dark blue curtains and pastel blue walls...
I am experiencing the start of a fall cold, one I’ve been fighting off for a while... once it is gone and maintenance is finished in the apartment I will be a bit more ready to buy some lighting, and the art supplies ... I am also going to test the winter gear I purchase in January.. I may or may not make some YouTube videos... but I am moreso interested in being a YouTuber at some point. I want to create an informational channel that will benefit people like who I was, on the way to becoming who a person wants to be... there was and are so many lost youth.. there is so much I would tell the youth I was. However, a fun video, from time to time, might include gear testing and DIY info for wilderness camping, in Southeast Alaska. That is a definite plan of mine.
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